Sneak Peak of Novel

Ezra Hernandez sped down the highway going 100 mph, heart slamming in her ears and vaguely aware her hands were bleeding from her nails digging into her flesh. You're running, a voice said in the back of her mind Just like little Ezzie, always running from her problems. Just like how you ran off with Juan and got yourself knocked up.

“Shut up. . . just shut up” she said to herself. But the voice didn't shut up. The voice recalled the memory that had just happened moments ago, the memory she tried

(Running)

Pretending never happened, but the memory came just the same. She remembered the image of her mother crushed against the corner of her room, the sun’s crimson glow bleeding on her agonizing face. The needle dancing in her arm as she convulsed. Her bulging eyes staring directly into hers. Pleading her. And. . . No. She didn’t want to think of this, but the memory gripped her with its gnarled pallid hands pulling her close to it’s wretched face.

Her mother, mouth agape, a string of spittle coming down her mouth, reached her arm out for Ezra.

“Oh, mom. Oh mom no.” she said in a weak, quivering voice, and reached her hand out for her, but stopped mid way when a thought came to her.

(Let Her Die)

Yes, let her die and you’ll be free Ezra. No more calls at 3 in the morning asking you for money. No more terrible stories from your friends telling you, “Ezra, did you know Vic saw your mother peddling guys for money last night?” “Ezra did you see your mother in the newspaper? She was caught selling herself in a crack house on Ruby street when the police raided it.” and then they would give her that same damn sympathetic look they would always give her and they would say, “Well, I just wanted you to know because she is your mom.”

It was embarrassing. When she would go to events and see her friends be with their mothers, she knew somewhere her mom was probably shooting up, or giving some guy head for some money. And yes, she remembered when she was twenty, dropping everything and renting out a place for her mother. She remembered those long talks, her mom telling her she just wanted to get away from all this and start a new life with her and not two weeks later she was bringing men into her house and locking herself in the bathroom for hours. The only person that was there was Juan, and so she

(Ran)

Got herself knocked up and now she’s stuck in this fucking town. All because of her damn mother. She pulled back her hand, and when she looked back at her mother's face, her mother groaned, the sound of its naked vulnerability pulled at her heart, as if stuck on a hook. She loved her mother, and remembered those nights when she cried herself to sleep knowing her mom was out on the streets, the guilt eating away at her every day. The birth of her son made it easier, but it was still there festering deep in the back of her mind.

She walked and picked up the phone, and then put it back and she did what she always did. She ran.

“I. . .I killed my mom. .” Ezra said, shocked by how her voice solidified its reality. Tears gathered in her eyes, making her vision swim.“I fucking killed my mo-” her last word choked off into violent sobs. The guilt that she kept hidden for years had washed over her. I could’ve helped her she thought, I could’ve taken her to rehab, to AA meetings. She would've been alive, she could still be in my life. Ezra pictured her mother again, eyes bovine, struggling for life, and cried harder.

As Ezra was sobbing in her car, her car was going 110 mph and shifting left on the two way road ahead. A diesel truck sped toward her, its lights flashing off and on, but she didn’t notice until, BAAAAAAAAA, Ezra snapped her head up, her eyes swam in prisms of bright yellow, she turned her steering wheel to the left, but her bloody hands slipped off it and she saw the lights fill her windshield, she gripped harder and swerved into her lane, her tires screaming under her, she felt herself lift off the seat as the car tilted, but then the car slammed itself back on the road. She righted herself in her lane, wiping her tears to clear her vision. The adrenaline once burning through her body, now made her feel weak and sore from its sudden departure. Her heart hurt and her mind was exhausted, but she felt good. She felt more than good, she felt alive.

But then her mother came back to her, like a recurring nightmare. She remembered this feeling, that stressful feeling of her mother festering in back in her life. Why won’t you just leave? She thought, tearing up again but then she stopped and took a deep breath.

Okay, let's think about this. When I came in she was already like that. She probably would have died even if I helped her she thought comically. She knew this was a lie, her mother's fit had just started when she walked in and she could have easily called the ambulance right then. But As the thought sunk in, she started to reconsider it. She looked like she was having a hemorrhage, recalling her pain stricken face. By the time the paramedics would have come by, they would have pronounced her dead. Ezra remembered calling the ambulance when Juan had broken his leg while trying to fix the roof, the ambulance hadn’t come until nearly thirty minutes later, her mother would have surely died by then. There would be no way, it was impossible. she saw her agony, she saw how much pain she was in, she had a hemorrhage, many drug users died that way, she even saw that she had used beforehand, it was in her arm.

It wasn't her fault, couldn’t be her fault. The thought of it just made her laugh now, she clearly wasn’t in her right mind after all she had just seen her mother dying right in front of her. She sighed, and felt the weight of her guilt lift of her.

“Jesus. .” she said and smiled, realizing the sheer craziness of what had happened and felt she was glad to be alive.

After a while driving in the quietness, she began to laugh. She didn’t know it, but it was the hardest she will have ever laughed in her life. Tears spouted from her eyes and her guts twisted in a knot, for one moment she started to drift to the other lane, but luckily no one was there. When the laughter ceased, she wondered why she was laughing in the first place, and then she realized. I’m free from my mother, I’m free from my damn mother! And she burst into another gale of laughter.